I think it’s really ironic that in All Truth – No Dare, Vol. 1 I used a picture of my husband and I during our wedding reception, which was just six years ago. It’s ironic because we have decided to divorce – during the holidays, no less. I am truly heartbroken, although I’ve had a feeling our marriage was on a downhill slide for quite a while and that it would culminate in us breaking up forever.
I’m sad not only for myself – us – but for our little boys, Jack, who is almost three, and Hank, who is a year old. Although they hopefully won’t remember their mommy being in emotional turmoil and their daddy leaving to make his own home, I’m so scared for them.
I know they won’t understand right now why Daddy is leaving and I don’t know what to tell them, especially Jack, who is incredibly precocious – he’s witnessed me crying every day since we made the decision and even has hugged me, wiped my tears, and told me it will be okay. Our babies are just so innocent, doubly breaking my heart.
At first I was really angry, now I’m sad and working on accepting reality. I know I’m going through the stages of grief – divorce is truly a death – a death of a marriage, a nuclear family, a life built together. Luckily, my soon-to-be-ex-husband – it’s so hard typing those words – and I had a really good, peaceful, and truthful talk last night.
We both want the divorce to be amicable and not contentious and to focus on the well-being of our babies, who deserve parents, even though we won’t be married anymore, who are both happy and live for them.
I honestly think the divorce will make him step up even more as a father – it was like pulling teeth to get him to change diapers, make bottles, even to pay attention to Jack, who would try his best to get E’s attention, only to be ignored. Now, he’ll have to prove himself.
E’s own father left his family when he was 12 and pretty much abandoned E, only to expect to have his ass kissed now. But, that’s a whole other story. Anyway, E is adamant that he doesn’t want our babies to experience what he did with his own father; he wants to be present and even stay in my little hometown – E is a city boy at heart – and his wanting to stay here, where our children are, means and says so much.
E is my first and only true love – I will always love him as the father of my boys. I’m probably aiming too high, but I wish we could still be best friends – I know we’ll always be as close as a divorced couple with children can be – I figure I’ll just need to play it all by ear. Another great thing for me is that I’ve never felt like I needed validation from a man to be my whole, true self. I know I’ll be satisfied simply living for my children and hopefully furthering my career.
I’m a social worker – working now as an outpatient therapist – and I do honestly feel like such a creep when it comes to my job. I know I’ve driven my boss insane with all of my personal issues interfering with work duties – he’s worked with me so much and has been really understanding, but I have enough sense to know that there is only so far he can be pushed. I took off work today for the thousandth time recently and I feel so awful leaving my clients in the lurch. But, I will go back to work tomorrow and do my darnedest to stay strong and get back to functioning.
I’m so very lucky to even have a job – with benefits – and I’m trying not to worry about being told to hit the road by my boss…I truly don’t think he will, but I’m still nervous about it. I hate it when stuff interferes with my responsibilities, but sometimes, and I’ve been told this by a lot of my loved ones, I need to take care of myself. Self-care has always been a tough task for me – I worry much more about others and neglect myself often, only to end up spiraling out of control and end up in a pit that takes for ever to climb out of.
E was my first real boyfriend and we met when I was 24. Our official anniversary of first meeting will be Thanksgiving Day – we met and fell almost immediately in love on Thanksgiving 2007. It’s weird how our divorce anniversary falls in the same time period…But that’s all right – I’m not hung up on the dates.
So, this will be our first Thanksgiving apart in ten years…it’ll be odd, but I’m really looking forward to reconnecting with my family. I feel like I’ve isolated myself from them over the years – just trying to hold my marriage together. I realize that I have more support than I ever could have imagined and there are many strong men in my family who can serve as extra role models for my boys. Plus, my babies need to get to know all of their cousins from my side of the family; they’ve spent a ton of time with E’s people – now it’s my people’s turn.
In closing, I’m going through something I definitely never wanted to happen, but it’s something I’ve had a feeling has been coming for quite sometime. We held it together as long as we could. The best thing that’s come of our relationship is the fact that we created two amazing souls, who will forever enrich our lives as we hopefully enrich theirs. I also hope that I will have a friend for life – though probably not nearly as close as in the past – in E.
Thank y’all for reading this – please don’t feel sorry for me if you’re leaning in that direction – I will be just fine.